Monday, September 8, 2014

Seven Months...

My dearest Lucy Girl,
I am in a mood today, not unlike most weekends.  Weekends are the absolute worst for missing you, every day is hard, but weekends are even more so!

You died on a Saturday, but you really started "the beginning of the end" of your journey here on this earth on the morning of Friday February 7th.  I relive the last 48 hours or your life every weekend, no matter how much we try to keep ourselves busy or occupied, I can't forget it, I will NEVER forget it.


I can remember with acute accuracy what we were were doing when seven months ago.  At this exact moment seven moths ago  I can remember holding you in my arms for the first time since you were admitted to the hospital on December 16th.  Your hurt so much baby that you didn't want us to hold you.  But on this night, the night of February 7th, you gifted me one of the best gifts of them all, the ability to rock you and hold you in my arms, even shaking your head "yes" when we asked you if you wanted us to hold you.  You were in my arms, allowing me to breath in that oh so familiar Lucy smell from that special spot on the top of your head.  The smell that we have gone in search of in so many of your belongings since your death.  I can remember finding daddy in your room in the middle of the night, shortly after you died, desperately searching for your smell.  Your smell instantly brings us closer to you, I can't explain it any other way.  Oh how my lips ache now from not being able to kiss your forehead,  your sweet sweet lips, or that spot on your neck that was just the perfect fit for my lips to kiss you and my nose to nuzzle into you.


 This weekend your absence is hitting me hard, slamming into my heart and mind - tomorrow marks seven months since you left my arms and flew into the arms of Jesus.  I can only imagine that His love for you is so much more than ours!  I know deep down in my heart that you wouldn't have left us so peacefully if that were not true.  Not a day goes by where we don't wonder what your days in Heaven are like.  Sometimes we joke and say that we won't recognize you when we get to Heaven because you'll be so "fat" from eating all of the yummy food that you were never able to eat while you were here on this Earth.  But then we say, we certainly hope that we don't have to worry about our waistlines in Heaven :).


We had a wonderful opportunity to share your life with others last week, we shared your story for the Radiothon at the hospital.  It's oh so very difficult to walk into that building without you.  I tear up every time I drive through those gates at the entrance of the hospital.  Those gates, they are a reminder to me of the many times I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that we were just moments away from getting you the very best care you needed to feel better.  The people who frequent the halls in that building, they are our "medical family".  Walking those halls without you in your wheelchair is NEVER easy, but it is also like coming home to visit family.  There is nary a corner or doorway that I pass where I don't run into someone who knows and loves you.   What we have experienced together will forever bond us to them.



Helen met us at the hospital to support us while we were at the Radiothon.  Luc she misses you so!  We ate dinner together in the cafeteria for the first time since February.  The grumpy cafeteria worker who liked to ask me, "Why only 1 French Fry?", every time I took you to the cafeteria was working.  He said that he has missed us, really?   I told him that you had died.  It's never easy to say those words...

As we were walking out of the building on Thursday the kids were jumping from colored tile to colored tile, like always, being careful to not step on the blue ones :).  Helen looked teary eyed.  We were both recalling that night, the night you died, the last night we walked that hallway together pushing your empty chair, barely able to step in the direction we were facing.

Luc, I don't know how I've survived this long without you...but I'm doing it baby.  In honor of your extraordinary life, I get up everyday and do the impossible...live life without you.

Your life, it was/is extraordinary and we are always in awe of how many lives you impacted and continue to impact.  We truly believe, girly, that your death is not the end, but rather the beginning of your journey.

We long to hold you again, breath in your Lucy scent, and kiss you in all the same places we kissed you before...

Like we promised you...we're coming too, we'll be there, just not yet.

4 comments:

Helen A said...

So true Little friend, oops I mean sister! Lucy I do miss you and holding you after getting washed and wrapped up in your towels, like a burrito. Holding you as you snuggled until just the right time, when you said you were ready. That was the best time with you Lucy. I hope when I see you again we can snuggle together! Mommy, Daddy, Jack, Megan and Sophie miss you so much, they are doing such a great job working to do things in your honor. Everyday they think of you and miss you. They love sharing your story with people and people love seeing your pictures and hearing about you. Please lick all the icing you can for me ��.
Love
Helen

Tara Altepeter said...

Nicole,
I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I think of you and Lucy often. Having become a Mom, I now know that you love a child more deeply than I could ever have imagined. My heart aches to think of your loss. Please know that she is loved and missed by all of us.

Carrie said...

Thinking of you all often and sending prayers everyday as you learn to live your new normal. We miss Lucy too!

Jladybug12 said...

Nicole,
Not sure if you'll remember me but I was one of the volunteers that came out for Lucy's make a wish trip to Disney. I've followed your blog since you shared it with me that night of the interview. I now am a mother myself and can't imagine the pain you experience daily. Please know that I think of your family often and admire your strength.
Jenn Eccleston (Bireley)