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A New School Year...

August 25, 2014
Today marks the start of a new school year.

Yet another change for our family, this year.

For our family, for our kids, it's not just the start of a new school year, it's the beginning of a new life, a life without Lucy.

Jack is starting 8th grade, Megan 6th, and Sophie 3rd.  Lucy technically would have started kindergarten, though she never would have actually gone to school, she was too medically fragile.  All of her education and therapy services were done in our home.

I dreaded the thought of actually having to sign Lucy up for kindergarten.  It's a process for any family, but when you have a child like Luc the process is so much more than just registration.  It's about evaluations, IEP meetings, letters of medical necessity, and more meetings.  It hurt to think about how different her education was compared to our other kids, so I tried not to, only I'm human and not thinking about it was impossible.

Impossible, is what I am facing today, the fact that I don't even have the opportunity to dread/celebrate her actually starting kindergarten.  I'm so sad about this...

FYI, we would have made a big to do about her staring kindergarten:).  Our enthusiasm for her carried her for miles!  Doesn't it for everyone?

New school year, new school supplies, new schedules, new teachers, new life, it's not easy, but we're doing it.

It doesn't always feel like we're doing it, in fact there are days where it feels like we are at a stand still, barely moving at all, but we're doing it even if we are just holding our position.

Some moments are harder than others, and every day is hard!  No matter how it appears from the outside, it's hard!

I am so proud of my family, my three kiddos who are continuing to live life in spite of their circumstances.

There were tears shed about missing Lucy, fears about meeting their new teachers and making new friends, and concerns for what to do if their grief gets the better of them.  We talked a lot about it.  Change is hard, and grief it sucks...the life out of you!

Each of them wore their "For the Love of Lucy" shirts today, as well as took a picture and small memento of her with them to school.   My hope and prayer is that it helps them to feel connected to her and more secure in this world of uncertainty.

One foot in front of the's what I tell myself everyday and what I told them to do this morning.

We can do this!  It won't be easy, but not doing something because it's too hard...well, that wouldn't be honoring Lucy.

Everyday in honor of Lucy we get up and do the impossible, learn to live life without her.


August 20, 2014

  1. the ability to do something that frightens one.
    "she called on all her courage to face the ordeal"
    • strength in the face of pain or grief.
      "he fought his illness with great courage"
      synonyms:bravery, courageousness, pluck, pluckiness, valor, fearlessness,intrepidity, nervedaringaudacity, boldness, grit, true 
grit, hardihood,heroismgallantryMore

Our four amazing kids, my husband, they are the definition of courage!  Last year at this time we were at the beach creating memories to last a lifetime.  

We can't believe that was a year ago!  Today, three of our four kiddos and their dad are spending the day at Hershey Park, one of Lucy's all time favorite places.  She loved it there, not sure why exactly as it's an amusement park and she was not really capable of riding many of the rides, but the smell of chocolate was everywhere :). Luc would often dream of eating all of the peanut butter from all of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, silly girl.  I chose to stay home today, to work in solidarity on some things that need my undivided time and attention.  To be honest, I'm not much of a roller coaster girl myself, the last six years have been enough of an adrenaline rush for me, thank you very much.  But also, I think I want my memories of Hershey park to be the ones that I have with all six of us.  I'm OK with that, and so too is the rest of my family.  Figuring out how to live life without's by far the most difficult thing we will ever have to do in our lives, it requires courage - strength in the face of pain or grief.

And Now She's Nine...

(Photo of her in her Lullaby League costume from the play the Wizard of Oz - July 2014)

Today is Sophie's birthday, a much anticipated event in our house! 

She is "finally" nine, her words not mine.

To her dad and I it feels like she is nine going on nineteen or even ninety.  Seriously, this kid is wise beyond her years!!!!

She is one truly amazing kiddo - so beautiful on the inside and out!

What she has experienced in her nine years on this earth, many have not experienced in a lifetime.

Last night she was praying and asked God to give her the strength to get through today without Lucy.  Cue the Mama's tears!   She told God how she is going to miss having Lucy blow out her candles with her and sing "Happy Birthday" over, and over, and over, and over...

Beautiful, smart, silly, independent, faithful Sophie we love you and hope that Nine is everything you want it to be, and then some.

I was here...

August 11, 2014

We miss seeing her beautiful face everyday, and thought you might be missing her too.  
Password: Lucy
Warning: Tissue Alert

We are doing the impossible...

August 8, 2014
My silence on the pages of this blog has been somewhat intentional.

We are living with what is considered by many to be "the worst thing that can happen to a parent".

 If truth be told, I've needed some time to process.

I have been writing, it's just one of the many ways I try and process things.  I just haven't published a lot of what I have written.  Maybe one day I for now I am feeling too vulnerable, too emotional.

It's impossible for me, for us, to believe that today August 8th, 2014 at 7:34pm marks six months, 181 days, 4,344 hours since our Lucy died and went to Heaven.


Six months, a half a year, feels like something we should commemorate, it's a substantial amount of time.

I believe that I have discovered one of the many places where evil's in the numbers, dates that hold significance to an emotional event, the clock, the calendar...

In so many ways, it feels as if her death just occurred, and in other ways it feels as if an eternity has passed.

I think it goes without saying, we miss her more than words can describe!  More often than not I'm unsure of how I'm going to survive one more minute without her, but I promise to God, to Lucy, myself, and the rest of my family that I will continue to do my best with what I have, and try!

I know I've said this before, and I'll probably say it for the rest of my life, everyday in honor of Lucy we get up and do the impossible...attempt to live life without her.

For the Love of Lucy Forever Fridays...

It was right around the time Lucy died that our kids came up with a way of remembering their sister.  

They and their closest friends devised a plan to each wear their Lucy Shirts on Friday, which quickly turned into every Friday.  

At first, I'll be honest, I didn't notice the pattern.  It wasn't until Megan had a melt down in front of a huge pile of dirty laundry on a Friday morning just weeks after Lucy died that I was clued into the pattern.   Crying to me inconsolably, Megan told me through her tears that she NEEDED to wear her Lucy shirt because it was FRIDAY.  

Out of curiosity now,  I asked her what the significance of wearing her Lucy shirt on a Friday meant.  

To her, it meant the world!  

Wearing her shirt every Friday was her way of keeping Lucy alive in her heart and the hearts of so many who love and support her, Lucy,  and our entire family for that matter.  

Tomorrow Friday August 8, 2014 marks six months since Lucy left this earth and ascended into Heaven where she will live for eternity.   If you are one of the hundreds who own a Lucy shirt, would you please join us in wearing your Lucy shirt tomorrow on what will be not just another For the Love of Lucy Forever Friday, but the six month anniversary of her death. 

It would mean the world to us, to our kids!

We could never do this alone, we don't have to, and for that we are so grateful!