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Go ahead...we'll catch up!

March 17, 2014
We are in mourning, grieving, it is emotionally and physically exhausting.

We will mourn the loss of our little girl every day for the rest of our lives.

As cruel as it feels, the sun still rises every morning and sets in the evening.

Every morning I wake up (I use the phrase lightly as sleep is something that I am struggling with) and face the reality that Lucy is no longer physically with us...she died...she is in Heaven.  

Every morning I have to figure out how to live life without her. 

If we weren't living this reality I wouldn't believe the disbelief that we continue to experience.  It feels surreal, only it's not a far-fetched dream, it's real.

As time moves on, we are not.  We are standing still, trying to process and reflect on what happened and what is happening.

Go ahead...we'll catch up!  Probably not right away, not for a long while, and our path it will change.

Our life is indelibly changed!  

I put myself on social isolation last week.  Drew was supportive of my decision fully aware of the emotional storm that was brewing.  My emotions are like gaping wounds sensitive to the slightest touch.  

We went to church last Sunday for the first time since Lucy's celebration of life service.  The sermon was good even if it was entitled "Moving Forward", seriously.  I was not good, I struggled to not cry out loud.

Lucy's birthday was on Wednesday, it took every ounce of energy from me to simultaneously celebrate her life and grieve her death.

Birthdays mark the number of years since birth, they are a celebration of life - it just doesn't feel appropriate right now, like pouring salt on my gaping wounds.

There was a full moon last night, it shone brightly in the night sky.  I remember staring at that same moon, full, from the parking lot of the funeral home one month ago on the night of Lucy's Valentine's Day service, warm tears streaming down my cold face.

Yesterday, we celebrated my birthday.  Whether or not I want to, I am getting older without my baby girl being here.  We all went to a restaurant for lunch to celebrate.  I begged Drew not to tell them that it was my birthday, he mentioned it.  Thankfully the waitress could tell from the expression on my face that I was really in no mood at all for the fake enthusiasm that accompanies a restaurant chorus of some version of "Happy Birthday".  Lucy's absence felt even more enormous than usual.  A table for five, it kills me every time!  

Fact, Lucy's favorite song was "Happy Birthday".  She loved to sing it!  It's repetitive; the same four words over and over, the perfect song for a girl like ours.  When we were singing it for her on her birthday the kid's expressions told of the same memory, of Lucy signing Happy Birthday over and over and over... Yesterday it definitely hurt more that we were missing a member of the choir.

Our kids, they are each processing and dealing with the death of their sister in their own way.  It is so true what they say about grief, no two people grieve the same way. In our house, no five people are grieving the same way.  From six o'clock on there is a general sadness that overcomes us all, that was our time with Lucy.  Bedtime, it's the absolute worst time of the day for all of us.  Her music still echoes in our halls and in her bedroom, but the silence everywhere is deafening.  At times we have thought about turning on her oxygen compressor, only we recognize that it will probably make things worse not better.

This reminds me, I need to call our respiratory supply company and schedule a time for them to come and pick up all of Lucy's equipment.  At a time when we are so desperately hanging onto anything Lucy, we are constantly being reminded that she is no longer here.  

We recently received a letter in the mail that simply read, "Lucy Marlett no longer qualifies for services in our county", the reason in big bold letters, "DEATH".  Thanks, as if we didn't know. 

Drew had thirty days from the date of Lucy's death to make changes to our benefits; taking Lucy off of our list of beneficiaries was painful for him. 

Life it goes on, whether we do our not.  

Please don't read this and feel compelled to try to find solutions to our pain or problems.  My intention, as it always has been on the pages of this blog, is to document where we are in our journey.  It has always been more for me than anyone, but I know so many of you care and want to know, which is why I share.

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Carrie said...

Thank you for sharing your journey and your honest emotions. I think you of you everyday..

Love and hugs
Carrie Mullin

Clara-Leigh said...

Prayers and cyber hugs to you each of you. No one here on Earth can "fix" this, you are right. We can continue to always lift you each in our prayers and have HOPE that we know you will be with Lucy eternally. Why can't Heaven start right now???? It seems so far away, and for this, my heart aches for you. Grieve as you feel you need to do it. No one can advise or prescribe the process for you. My dear friend talks about how it is waves of emotions...grief...may the waves allow you to catch a breath, a sweet breath with essence and aroma of your precious Lucy as you make it through one day at a time.
Much love,
CL

Susan said...

I am so, so glad you are still writing. Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts, your heart, with us. You are doing the impossible. We will do as best we can to help you shoulder this burden. You are not alone. Lifting you up,
Susan

Clarissa said...

praying!!

Joy said...

Nicole, I so wish I could tell u time heals all pain. The truth is that it does not! All you can do is live life one day at time. No one expects anything else from your family! Many days I had to not only live one day at a time but one minute at a time! I will continue to pray for you all. Remember she is now and will always be with you...

Joy

Penny said...

None of us can begin to remotely fathom your pain. We can only pray that God continues to heal your hearts so that you can get through each day. Your lives will never be the same, they will never be whole, and there will never be a day without missing your precious Lucy.
There is no time limit on grief or learning to function without your beautiful Lucy. Thank you for sharing your journey with us and allowing us to pray, mourn, and cry with you. I miss her and I didn't even know her. It makes my daughter all the more precious to me. Thanks for the reminder that life is short and we should live it to the fullest. Keeping you in prayers for comfort that only the Father can give.

Cory said...

Your beautiful girl's prayer card is on her fridge so that we can pray for all of you daily and often. Sending lots of prayers your way.
Cory Zolandz

Kimberly Hoffman said...

Love you all...

Happy Birthday to you, Lucy and next Drew!

Wish I could come hug everyone.

xoxo Kimberly

Andrea Stencil said...

Sending you all the love from our family to yours. Your blog has been an amazing story of a true family life, thank you for sharing that with ours. You will be in our thoughts and prayers❤
~Ann Stencil and family

Kristen Rice said...

I have been following your journey with Lucy for some time now, though never felt entirely certain about saying something. I am a mother of two young daughters, and it absolutely broke my heart to read about what you have been through, as a mother and as a family. You are in my thoughts and prayers regularly. Thank you for being willing to share so openly so that we can be with your family in prayer and in spirit.
Love
Kristen