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Tears from heaven...

March 30, 2014
Last night it was pouring rain, all night.  Today, the rain continues to saturate us.  Tears from Heaven perhaps?

It was respite night for our family, once a month our Church has a ministry that provides a fun night of friendship, crafts, food, games, and developmentally appropriate activities for the special kids and siblings of these special kids in our church community.

February 8, 2014 the night that Lucy died also happened to be respite night at our church.  
Our "respite family" made this sign out of all of the children and volunteer's handprints.  
They hung it for all to see outside of the children's ministry area at our church.  
It still hangs there today, we love that!

Our church family, they are amazing!

Lucy LOVED respite night, she looked forward to it!  She loved Faye and Andy, "they are my friends", she would tell everyone!

We love Faye and Andy too, not just for what they did for us; volunteering their time and talents once a month to take care of our medically complex girl so that Drew and I could spend a few hours ALONE together.  But also because they saw their night with Lucy as being a gift to them.

They love Lucy, and made her night with them special just by being them.

Andy just so happens to be one of the many great docs at DuPont, but we really can't vouch for his doctoring skills as he was not really one of Lucy's docs:).  However, we can vouch for his nursing skills.  A doc who had the nursing skill set to take care of our medically complicated girl, it was impressive; so too were the number of Chloraprep pads he would go through in three hours!

I remember when Andy first introduced himself to us several years ago.  He was walking down the hall towards us and said, "Hi, I'm Andy and I'm going to be taking care of Lucy tonight. I work with Dr. R."

Immediately I said back to him somewhat jokingly, "Really, I wouldn't leave Lucy with Dr. R."

Andy said right back to me, "I wouldn't either!"

From that moment, I knew this was going to be good.

As for Faye, she is Andy's 12-year-old daughter, she has an entirely different skill set that med school could never offer, she played with Lucy in a way that made all of the medical complexities in Lucy's life look invisible.

Our life, it's so different now that Lucy is gone!

What I just wrote could just be the understatement of the year my lifetime!

The intensity of our days is different, our experiences have colored our perspective, we have no idea how to be "normal".  More than anything right now we are craving a sense of familiarity and normalcy.

Our kids want to do the things we did when Lucy was alive, I think that it helps them feel connected to her, to our life with her.  We are so blessed to be a part of several groups that see our involvement with them continuing despite the reason for our involvement no longer living here on this earth.

There are so many "firsts" that happen when you have a child, and there are so many "firsts" that happen after your child dies.  Both types of firsts are emotional, the second being more heart breaking.

Last night was the first time we took the kids to respite night without Lucy.

I physically struggled to hold back my tears.  Maybe all of the rain is Lucy crying for us, tears from Heaven?

I had a difficult time talking to the many amazing people in our life last night, because at the moment I'm afraid of my own emotions outside of our house.  The tears once they start sometimes won't stop, for hours.

I recognize that the enormity of our grief is a testimony to the enormity of our love for our girl.  I love that!  Grieving her is just one of the many ways we can show our love for her.

As the minutes, hours, days, weeks, and soon months have passed since Lucy's death, I will tell you that it is not getting any easier to accept and move forward.  In fact, it's quite the opposite.  It's so much harder!

Grief is a powerful emotion, the heart and the mind can only handle so much.

We are only just beginning to feel the permanence of Lucy's death.  I wake up every day and face the reality that she is gone, she really died, it is not just a bad dream, it is our life.
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erin chretien said...


jenchong said...

Lucy was absolutely with us Saturday night, yet she was still greatly missed. We love having The Kids with us. They are truly a joy. I'm blessed that I get to hang out with them once a month.
Love and prayers!

Helen A said...

I agree it's hard to believe it's real . I just said that the other day. I miss her face, her voice, her hugs and looking into her eyes. 😥